I lost my job a few months ago. It was my dream job, so losing it was all kinds of not fun. It’s all kinds of wrong to feel that way, but I was ashamed. Only some select friends know. Since then, my economy has hit a massive shitstorm, and the mailbox has become the place where bills go to die.
Bills that I can’t pay.
I am just waiting for the sound of my car being towed since the insurance ran out ages ago, and I have missed the last car loan payment. The rent is up to date, just about, but I have no money for next month so yay, I might be adding homeless to the list of things that are wrong with my life.
On top of my money worries, I am just lonely. I was living abroad in Ireland for several years, and moved back home about a year ago. I wanted to be closer to my family, I felt we had drifted apart in the years I spent away, and I was eager to build a closer bond with my brother and sister. Great, in theory, it’s just that we really DID drift apart in those years, while my brother and sister got closer. And my great plan for building closer relationships doesn’t really work unless they get onboard as well.
And they haven’t.
There’s nothing quite like arriving for a family meeting at my brother’s house only to discover that my sister and her boyfriend arrived hours earlier and had dinner there. In fact, they are still eating as I arrive. There is only so long you can stand beside a dinner table looking awkward, and NOT receive an invitation to join them, before you start to feel like the third wheel. Or in this case, the fifth. I had to slink off to the living room and wait while they finished.
Come on, it’s not just me, is it? That’s weird, right? Even if there wasn’t much food left, wouldn’t you invite your sister to sit down and join the conversation, if nothing else??
In a fit of self-pity, I started talking about moving back to Ireland a month or so ago. I miss my friends there so much, it is like an open wound sometimes. My family was very supportive, but sometimes you just want someone to tell you that they don’t want you to go! That they would miss you!
In the end, I decided to stay. I think I might have put too much on my family when I moved back here. They have their own lives, and I guess it isn’t fair to have them be my sole reason for staying put. I read once that people love you the way they know how, and it isn’t always the way you know, or even the way you need. So I need to depend less on them, and I need to find a selfish reason to stay here, something that is just mine. I need to make more of an effort to make friends, and I need to get a job again, and soon. My financial troubles won’t go away simply by ignoring them, I know that.
It is so tempting though… Who knew envelopes are evil???