Happy New Year, says Uniboob

Ever heard of a unibrow?

Well, today I had an interview for a position that I would be PERFECT for. I was psyched up and SO prepared, SO ready to shine. I grabbed the car keys and made to leave the apartment when I caught a glimpse of myself in the hallway mirror.

Now, I’d picked the outfit carefully. Not a suit, since that would be too formal for this company, but very business casual, with black slacks, dress shoes and a gorgeous green blouse with a pearl pattern to make it look luxurious and expensive (even though it’s REALLY not). Problem is, it is a little bit see through. No worries though, I had singlets to wear under. Except they were all in the wash.

Don’t panic. Stay calm, cool and collected.

I dug around in the back of the closet and found a flesh coloured control top. You know, the ones that we full figured women wear to try and convince ourselves that it’s making us look slimmer, when in reality they make us look like a stuffed sausage roll.

Anyway, it would do the job, so I threw it on and went about my business. Makeup, shoes, bag, notes, all ready. Car keys, check. Then that mirror.

I am a woman with two generous boobies. They cannot be ignored. I spent a summer being called the “bouncy books of wrath” when I volunteered as a bouncer at a festival, and I wore the title proudly.

My boobs are epic, is what I’m trying to say.

Yet somehow, the control top had defeated them. Or at least moulded them into something that could no longer be recognised as two separate breasticles. They were pushed and squeezed and CONTROLLED until they somehow melded into one, oblong UNIBOOB.

And it was too late to do anything about it! I grabbed a long necklace to try and create an optical illusion that there was some sort of divide between them, and went for it.

In fairness, the interview went all right. I will know by the end of the week if I have progressed to the next round, but I think I did about as good a job as I could have.

I just hope the freaky uniboob didn’t scare them off.

Happy New Year, everybody!

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